....On a melancholic note

Tonight I was walking back home. It was late, around 9 and so already dark and a bit chilly. The kind of weather and hour that leads you to nostalgic thoughts. I started thinking about all the people that I left behind during my life. It seems like I always have to close a page and turn a new one. It is good; I have started so many pages but I had also closed as many. I reckon many little things this week have brought me to this melancholic mood. First I found my old student card from Voronezh and I started thinking about the time I spent in Russia and how I have never realised that I love that country. Then I received an e-mail from a friend far away. We have always been so close and for four years we were used to see each other every day and suddenly it hit me how much I miss her. In the e-mail she sounds happy and I am too for her. I am also very proud of her, she has always been very brave but I still miss her and wish to see her soon.

Then I thought about my closest friend back in Italy, she seems to be going through an important moment in her life and I wish  I were there to share it with her.

But then I think about all the opportunities ahead and the doors I have been able to open for myself and all the amazing people that I keep meeting along the way; to do something worth doing you also need sacrifices. 

Today I was at a conference about freedom of speech in Azerbaijan at the European Parliament. Two activists were having a debate with two Azeri MPs and I thought about how brave these people are. Speaking up knowing that there might be retaliation takes a lot of courage. The difficult decisions they have to make that could put themselves in danger and sometimes having to distance themselves from their families to protect them made me realise that you always have to leave something or someone behind to gain something or someone else. People like the Azeri activists make a difference every day and me? I'm trying to make a difference for myself, I'm trying to create a better life and better opportunities for myself. This should makes happy enough but sometimes I do feel like something very important is missing, something that would make all this worthy. Sometimes I feel like doing all of this just for myself is not enough, it's selfish and egoistic!

When I went to The Hague two weeks ago to meet up with my 'aunt', I stayed at her friends' and they were such a nice and happy family that I thought this could be what I really miss: a family, coming home at night to a place you can really call your home. Even though, I feel pretty at home where I live now, I know this feeling will always be with me no matter what until I will be able to built a real home with people I can really call my family. 

This feeling has never stopped me to leave, mover around and explore because curiosity and restlessness always overcome my fears and doubts. My real problem is that I get bored too easily making impossible for me to call one place my home, maybe I am just someone with many homes...

On this melancholic note I leave hoping to come back to you with more exciting and fun stuff (especially good news on the house front!).

 Good night!