Nonno

A couple of days ago my cool (and cool is exactly the right the way to describe him) grandfather passed away. Here I post a letter to him; just a couple of thoughts I would like him to know. It is in English because once he told me that I had to forget my Italian, something he thought I never needed again. He was so proud to read my e-mails full of mistakes! Russian and English were for him the best combination. As I can't really express my feelings in Russian, I'll do it here in English.

Carissimo Nonno,

I can’t even think that you are not here with us anymore.  I must confess that my first feeling was anger. I was so angry with you for leaving us when we still need you so much! The anger has now gone and it has been replaced by a sense of loss. I feel like something is missing, terribly missing. I love you with all my heart and what I have lost today will never come back again. I know you are not gone forever and that for me you are always alive, here with us but I am going to miss talking to you, sharing opinions and views as well as your shiny candid hair, your deep and big brown eyes and your laugh, your silvery laugh.

When I think of you I think of your smile! Of your round, chubby face smiling. You are always smiling in my thoughts. This is the way I will always remember you.

I met you at the end of your life, when you had already reached all your goals and achievements, when you were both a father and a grandpa. I met you at the very beginning of my life when I didn't even have a goal I wanted to achieve, but you were always a mentor for me and you will always be. It is difficult to find role models that never disappoint you in life; we all have our flaws and you did too, my dear grandpa. These flaws that you had are so similar to mine. How many times I recognised myself in you when you were angry or frustrated. The things that made you angry and frustrated are the same that make me angry and frustrated. It is the way you dealt with these flaws that makes you the perfect model. I like to think that we were very similar in our choices; in the way we built up our lives. I like to think that if we are really so similar that means you will never leave me.

My memories of our time spent together go back to when I was just a little girl and you would come to pick me up from the kindergarten. I don't remember you playing with me like grandma used to do, even though you sometimes played cards with me when I was a bit older and you had never liked cards. You always treated me like a person, an adult, someone that could always understand you. I think of this as the base of our relationship.  I always knew that whatever I did, I thought or said you would always think of me as someone who was worth listening to. We argued and we sometimes disagree but you were always ready to listen to me and consider my opinion, you never talked to me in a condescending or patronising way.

You taught me many things that I would always cherish in my heart.  I am not referring just to our long maths sessions. Those must have been so frustrating for you! Unfortunately, you never had another good scientific mind in the family to share your interests with! I have always been a literate, a linguist. My poor understanding of numbers had me to call you so many times to calculate the exact dosages for a cake, a soup and even a cup of coffee. You always told us that even the perfect housewife needs to know maths and yes, you were right!

I can’t believe you are not here anymore. I can’t believe we are going to put you away in a box somewhere. My life without you will never be the same. You were my guide, grandpa and your pieces of advice; your sense of humour and your attitude to life will always be with me. I would have loved to ask you if you are proud of me and of my choices. Whenever I have any doubt about what I am doing I think of you and of what you would tell me.

Now I am not angry anymore but grateful, grateful because you are my grandpa, grateful because I had you beside me most of my life, grateful because people as special as you are rare in the world and I did not just have the opportunity to meet you but I was lucky to be able to proudly say you are my ‘Nonno”!

So, I will not say ‘goodbye’ because I know I am not saying ‘goodbye’ but simply ‘see you soon’. I know you will always guide and protect me from wherever you are because this is what you have always done and always will.

We had so many discussions about religion and what happens after you are no more. You had your ideas and so many times you told me to have Faith. You had a deep and immeasurable Faith for which I will always admire you immensely. I hope you were not disappointed and that you have found what you had been looking for all your life. I am sure you did; you were always right about many things and I am confident that you were right on this one too.

In a time like this you would have patted me on the shoulder and said ‘Coraggio, Flavia!’. Right now when I feel a knot in my throat I can hear your voice and feel your gentle touch and I smile. You once told me I have always been an optimist, I don't know if that is true but if I really am it is because you taught me to be.

Now, grandpa, I will stop because I can go on forever, I want to tell you so many things!

Now, I kiss you on the cheek and I let you go, certain that you are here in my heart and you will never really leave me to go through life completely on my own.

Ti voglio bene,

Flavia